Envy

Today I read an article that cracked me up! There was a Pastor's wife that ran into a woman that shared her same resemblance. She asked this woman what she did on Sunday mornings and asked if she was interested in making some money. The woman happily accepted the job as the Pastor's wife's body double. She graciously sat on the front row in full support of "her husband" and took pages of notes, smiling and laughing at all his jokes. She greeted people, memorized their children's birthdays and so on. This went on for 2 years until she was asked to sing a hymn that "her husband" sang when they first went into the ministry. She could not recall the hymn. By this time she had earned $10,000 for her act!

My first focus was on the scheme and how in the world this woman pulled it off! The article also said this act was "unbeknownst" to her husband...WHAT? Is he really THAT busy? Then my focus switched to the "real" wife of the Pastor. Was her life this miserable? Did she even have a heart for God? We may never know, but I came to ponder the word ENVY. She may have envied the other ladies of the world, she may have even envied the ladies in the church that really could come and go as they pleased. The whole family can stay home from church if the baby has the sniffles. Tired on a Wednesday night, stay home! If there is a baby shower on Sunday mornings, by all means go! Envy could have set in.

Have you ever felt this way? "Oh, I just want to be a normal church member!" I can say I have had little desire to skip church, ever! But I have wondered what would happen if I used the same excuses "I was just too tired to come", "we had a rough night and I knew I wouldn't be good for anyone", "the baby was sleeping" and on and on! I don't think I will ever find out, I just love church and being around God's people too much. I will admit I have had my own bouts of envy

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-I would LOVE to sit in a pew after church and chat with my favorite person for an hour and not have to spread myself around. I don't do this because it's too important for me to be hospitable and stay connected with people

-I would LOVE to have my whole family stay home when I am sick. This would only instill a passive attitude toward faithfulness to my children.

-I would LOVE just be a need filler and never in charge. This is not where God has set me at the time. As much I love to serve, He has me leading in areas.

-I would LOVE to say "it's hard to be on time when I have so many children". Imagine if I could just "get there when I get there"...not gonna happen!

-I would LOVE to have a best friend. I realize I cannot for many reason, but I can get a little envious of the inside jokes, the family fun, the closeness. Again, God has me to "show myself friendly" to many.

-I would LOVE to sit and hold my husbands hand during church.

-I would LOVE to come in my sweats and hair undone (well maybe I wouldn't) but the option to do so would be nice.

-I would LOVE to have a stain on my blouse and have no one notice.

So, I suppose envy to be just a regular Joe (or JoAnn) is something we can battle with from time to time. But a body double to be so normal is simply NOT NORMAL!

Valued & Vulnerable

The word "vulnerable" has reached deep into my thoughts and heart over the past few months. It's a scary word that takes on the meaning "unguarded", "unprotected", "available for harm". As a Pastor's wife I have felt this so many times. The scary part for me is, it is easy to find myself face to face with a situation where I felt completely exposed. Why? Because I am by nature a transparent person. It is not hard for me to take my cheery disposition and "keeping it real" personality into the lions den. Overtime, this can create such a fear of vulnerability that it changes you. I began to think that vulnerability was the premise for discouragement, fear, insecurity and a lot of judgement...or so I thought. The more I thought about it the more I didn't like this word....thankfully I only thought about it and did not pull myself out of these situations...but i was close. As I viewed my life in ministry and the "fishbowl" life that I have lived, I realized something fascinating...I did not hate it, i did not fear it, I actually enjoyed my "exposed" life very much. So why all the worry? It was my own mind. So many people would despise this life, therefore I should. Now, don't get me wrong, to feel like a target or something to view and form an opinion about isnt' the greatest of all feelings, but the Lord taught me something about vulnerablity. He showed me that YES, in it's core, it is a place to harbor fear, unworthiness, shame, embarrassment and attack. But our loving Father also told me it's the birthplace for joy, courage, belonging, creativity, necessary lessons, strength ...it is the sweetest form of LOVE. To be vulnerable you must take risks. Sometimes, it's saying "I love you" first, sometimes it's finding the courage to help a friend. Of course rejection will come along, but in the end the courage to be vulnerable sets us apart! So, my sweet pastors' wives that walk in your life with such vulnerablity, remember it is what sets you apart. It's what makes you passionate and whole hearted about the things God has placed before you...you can't fight it, being vulnerable will always win.

What makes you feel vulnerable?

-Asking for help?

-Initiating a relationship?

-waiting for the call from the doctor?

-Being rejected?

-Church members not liking me?

-Church members not appreciating my husband?

-imperfections?

-hospitality?

What do you do about it?

Often times we "numb" our vulnerability. We shop, we have another piece of pie, we sleep. The sad part about this reaction is, we "numb" the good effects too. As we mask our fear, we mask our joy. As we mask our hurt, we mask our courage. As we mask our discontentment, we mask our thanks....we will numb everything.

Often times when we feel vulnerable, we perfect. We perfect the thing we are insecure about. Trust me there is no one that would love to be perfect more than me, but I have learned that I am a far stretch! Think about it, if the person visiting your home notices a cobweb, you are scrubbing the ceilings the next day. I think the saddest result of perfecting when we feel vulnerable is with our children. If they are perfect we are perfect. Our job is not to keep our children perfect, but to teach them they are imperfect, will struggle, but are valuable for love and belonging through their parents and a loving Heavenly Father

Often times we pretend. We pretend that our lives are not what they seem. We pretend that our hurts don't hurt. We pretend that our words shouldn't hurt them...they are too sensitive. Sometimes saying "sorry" takes vulnerability. Our honesty and "realness" is what people need. My imperfections can help anothers imperfections. As long as my "realness" is not "an occasion to the flesh" for someone to justify their sin, it is the very tool they will use to grow in their homes and christian walk.

To be vulnerable is to be seen. To love with your whole heart when there are no guarantees, is exactly the value in vulnerability that your church, family and friends need. Imagine our churches becoming 100% vulnerable, loving whole heartedly, moving forward with each passion and belief, the joy in the end of our vulnerability is immeasurable!

Rejoice in the fact that you have a life worthy to be seen!